3:57am

 I wasn't awoken by a nightmare

I didn't have to go to the bathroom .. I did because the dream wasn't terrible and I was clearly awake ... Mom always said, once you're over 30, don't bother passing a bathroom without stopping in. You'll realize too late that mistake...

I truly believed that I'd happily fall back to sleep...

But I didn't...

I lay there trying to do so, only to finally open my eyes and find the clock glaring back at me ... 4:50am. 

Fuck it. Get up. 

Made coffee, got the dogs out, tidied up the kitchen, and went out to the shop for a smoke. 

My mind is reeling with all the possibilities about where we will move next. 

I thought about trying to counter the new owner's proposed rent with what we can actually afford.

I thought about those people that said they only have places available for a short term and what was happening with those places when that term was over..and why I didn't ask when they said so.

I thought about the pending conversation I've booked with a friend today after work, who's parents moved into the smaller home on their property, and if this is going to even possibly be fruitful. 

And my brain was picturing the option of having to live in our trailer for a couple months until we can find anything that fits what we need. 

We can't live in an apartment or attached home...the dogs would get us evicted. 

We don't want to drive an hour to get to work. It's just not feasible for the dogs or our sanity. 

Something is coming, and I hate to be impatient asking for it to come sooner than later. It feels rude.

But this is day 6 of just wanting to cry when someone asks what's going on. 

Tomorrow I'll start packing again. We have plans to go see friends for supper and it's Friday, so the weekend and a couple days off will hopefully help. I booked the day off in hopes that V and I could get out for a round of golf, and even that feels like  wasteful spending. 

6:43am ... Looks like I'll be at work in time for open for a change today. 

Why am I so angry all the time??

This is really a yucky part (for me) about menopause. I've heard of it, and I've been to the doctor to see what can be done about it.  It is frustrating to get up most days and feel good, have a positive outlook at the day ahead...and then ... I hit a wall... The voice in my head snaps at everything someone says or does and I tell have to fight it back from coming out of my mouth. Not always successful with that.

I don't like that person. It feels like she just can't let go and move on. Noooo..she wants to bite people's head off over stupid things.  

She needs to go away.  Soon. 

Time to call the doctor again and figure out what's up. 

time flies when you ... forget stuff.

Hey... are you still out there? Imagine that! 2021 .. man!

So life hasn't really done much outside of this little box. A lot happens inside of it, some outside of it, but really, who wants to go out there? Ok... sometimes is ok. But it's so pretty here. There's lots going on, and the people inside of it are pretty awesome. The BIL is selling the house.. well, it's sold now, so we're looking for a new home again. hey .. we lasted 8 years - to the day. That might be a record for me. The new owner is apparently a farmer who bought it as an investment property (means to rent it out) from a neighboring town and is away this week, but should be getting in touch with us next week to discuss things. I have mentally written all kinds of wish lists about this house and the new landlord and what I could hope for. I have submitted an application to the next available rental home in the village, I've called and spoken with, or given my number to people that MIGHT have a place for rent or know of someone that might. I shall leave no lead uncontacted.

The kid and her partner went to BC for a while. I got a report back last night that the partner started work this morning. Nice. Now her turn (fingers crossed, something for her that she enjoys - and SOON!)

I finally got back to trying to pack things up last night. It went on hold for showings...and now injust jave to get back on it. if i dont pack their stuff, i will be wading through it for yhe rest of the summer. and i want to change up the designation of each of the other two rooms. just wish theyd done this themselves. 🤬