11 years

You brought so much to my world 11 yrs ago.

With just a single look, you saw what I needed..you knew you could bring it. It may not come tomorrow, but it would come. While you couldn't forsee the ups and downs ahead, you knew we would be able to make it ... as long as we were together.  

Basement suites, full houses, extended guests and kids coming back home, trailers and parents... We got this, no matter where this life takes us. Together.

Eleven. Wow. We beat my record.. have we beaten yours? No. But I know what eleven more means to us both and neither of us realize how fast that will go.. and it will. And I don't doubt.. we will still be together. ❤️ 

Nothing compares to you

 "I want to grow old with you.'

The most profound statement from lips that barely form sentences right now. ❤️ 

I can sleep after hearing them. 

I can go spend whatever few moments I can steal tomorrow to go and keep packing our house.

And I will bring you more deep fried pickles.

Just to keep seeing you smile at me.

One day at a time

 You're doing amazing with your walking. You definitely look better in your comfy clothes instead of a hospital gown.

But it's still so hard to look into your eyes and know how badly you want to say the things in your head.

They will come. 💕

 

Yesterdays update:

It's been a couple days of visits, & he's doing better every day. Raynen & Alee got him coloring books & crayons which he enjoyed, his physio therapy is getting longer & more each day. He is fully up on the walker with a little more speed & balance. The words are coming along too. He will get to move over to inpatient rehab closer to home this week, which could be from 3-6 weeks. 

Christina & Rob have made the decision to move to his parents place, where they will have the trailer or a bedroom with all the accessibility & lots of help & love and people will be able to visit. ❤️ They'll look for a new home when they have a better idea of what will fit them & Rob's needs best, whatever that may be.

Absolutely whatever baby.

How much can change in a week.

 The alarm went off at 7 like just about any other Monday. The dogs were eager to get outside, the cats snuggles signalling their desire for breakfast, and I don't feel like my world has this big empty space.

Today will be another good day. 

We have a new morning view.

July 15, 2021- Day 4

 1:25pm My first visit to you after your escape from the stroke ICU ward. You were taken down for an test around 11:45 and they're about 2 hrs. So I'm checking out your new digs.

Only 4 ppl in here. Instantly smelled like someone is lying in a pile of their own feces. 🤮 I'm trying not to gag.  I'm so glad I have this little bit of acclimation time to your space before you get back. I'm hoping you'll be pleasantly surprised. 

The temperature in here is that in between some level of covers and no covers. I'm never dressed properly.  Your fire rescue hoodie, shorts, a tank top and flip flops. It is pretty warm out.

Your lunch is patiently waiting here for you. Doesn't look too bad actually. Just cooler than when they brought it. 

Tv and wifi is free thanks to covid, so youre on a sports channel. 

The man directly across from you has a lady visitor. Their chatter is all the noise in here.  Much nicer than the other room, but when she goes, or you get back, my voice will carry like hers is now. Hopefully we won't bother anyone else. 

Your nurse today is quite cute, and very sweet..  redhead, Alicia. 

I can't wait to see you❤️

3:47pm 

I.cant.stop.bouncing!!!!! 

I haven't seen you do all things things you've gotten back, I haven't heard a single sound from your lips, and I asked you to show me...

And you blew my MIND. 

The Occupational Therapist said you got up and went to the bathroom without help or telling anyone you needed help. (We are so lucky you managed it on your own!!) So they pushed you a bit..and you pushed harder. You went from walking 6 meters in the morning, to walking all the way down the hall for me. 24 meters.  

I watched your face.  Your determined, block out the world concentration. And you did it. 

When I think about it tears come to my eyes.  I'm so happy for you and what strength you have.

You even tried to talk for me. We talked about finding you a word board and maybe that would help, and you nodded that you'd be willing to try. I asked if the words just swim around in your head ..I pictured like maybe they're floating and you can't pick the next word and then you can't figure out yet how to make it come out of your mouth and you nodded.  I watched your slight frustrated face change and you stare right into my eyes as if to tell me telepathically. I wish you could too baby. But you tried for me, and you have no idea how MUCH that means to me.

And when I had to leave so you could go for another test (and my time was up),  the OT said that visitation will open up to allow 2 of us to come see you in the same day.  This means I can come every day.  And my crazy need to see you won't have to be interrupted because your mom or Raynen need to see you. 

While this was a shitty interruption of life, with all the covid issues - we couldn't be luckier in the timing. ❤️ 

 

The tears fall

 I think I've been avoiding thinking about certain things floating around in my head. 

I've spent the last couple days doing the smart things... Assessing finances, what goes out what was coming in, what will be coming in ... Trying to figure out our housing situation, and making sure that the things I need to do for myself get done..

I sent a text to a girlfriend and the following oozed out of my fingertips ... 

"And seriously.. just looking into his eyes and just wanting him to say "I love you" is stupidly hard to take. And leaving ... 💔"

The visits are too short. But it's not just that. Going in, I can't wait to see him. I know He's not going to say a word, and I ramble on as long as I can so he has something else to think about for a few minutes..and then I run out of corny bad jokes and we just stare into each other's eyes until he pulls me in for a kiss. 

It's not enough. 

No one should ever have to "visit" their spouse. 

I'm not unrealistic. I know damned well I couldn't do all the things for him that they are doing for him there. But I miss him. 

Morning coffee time together, texts while we are at work, hearing his truck pull in, climbing into bed together.. it's missing. 

I need to hear him say those words soon. I don't care what the sound like. 

They're for me. And that's all that matters. 

Life Changes July 11, 2021

 6:57am sitting in the shop with the dogs and Kristin..and it's the first song to play on the radio. 

No 🤬.  This song is trying to tell us something. Thomas Rhett released this so song in 2017. It started coming back on when we got the news they were selling the house.  It's played whenever there was a shift in things around us between the showings, the sale, finding out the new owner bought it as an investment and we could possibly stay, and now the morning after finding my husband on the floor in the middle of a massive stroke. 

We have an amazing group of friends for us baby. They won't let us fall. 

Here's my last update for everyone after seeing him at 9pm.

I'm home. He's doing really good actually. He's responsive now. His right side is still not all working yet. But what they've done has been helping.  He's on hourly check-ins where they ask him questions and test strength and power on both sides. I got kisses and cuddles and hand squeezes.  Visitors are only 1 per day for 1 hr. He's in London university hosp on the 7th floor in Neuro/operations. The stroke unit is full.  His mom will be his visitor tomorrow so she will update after. He is still non- verbal but is trying. Things look good for this soon. We got him there in time for them to do what they need to. 

This morning is the first of many that will be different for a while. But I'm not alone. I'm going to need to get get some space to let the thoughts in my head actually run their course so I can figure out what our next moves will be, but for now, it's taking each new day as they come.  Remembering that it's ok to cry and making sure I do the stuff I need to do for myself. 💕