Can I wave the flag now?

 What if he never fully comes back? 

We were watching tv last night - a recording of a show we'd been watching pre pandemic and catching up.  We've been watching it since he got home, so over a week.   I got up and went to get a tissue to dry my tears - and the look on his face was so puzzled - confused as to why I was crying.  

One of the characters' father was found in a hotel room (cheating on his wife) by her fire fighter husband. I couldn't help it, I was crying at all the complexities of the scene... and there was my poor husband, confused as to why I was crying.  I asked if the show sometimes moved too quickly for him, and he nodded, yes.    He's been watching tv - our shows, for me.  It's nice quiet time together. It's characters he may or may not be familiar with because we watched them before or he's familiar with them from growing up.. but now I'm really not sure he is getting all of it. 

I believe that I can handle if he ends up with lesser mobility of some kind - he used to play hockey, baseball, golf, and darts.  If some of those aren't up to where they were.. sure, that's not that big of a deal.  Would be a bit frustrating for him, but over all, it shouldn't detract from his ability to have an enjoyable lifestyle. 

What if he doesn't regain the part that understands why I might be crying.  Or what to do when I cry.  

Is it going to from this point on be good enough that he will wrap his arms around me and let me sob relentlessly into his chest and that he will point out the tears I have missed while mopping myself up and try to make me laugh as he tells me? 

Is ever going to sing along again?

Will I have to keep making the big decisions on my own? 

I know that only time will answer these... but sometimes they're enough to overwhelm me. 

On top of - 

we live in a 5th wheel trailer in his parents' back yard with our 2 dogs and 2 cats, 

that I'm the only one with an income until EI kicks in for him or he can go back to work in some capacity, 

that I still have yet to hear about my blood work done last November, maybe this past spring to find out what the hell is going on with my hormones,  

and that I just quit smoking cold turkey and stuff like this is exactly what makes me want to have one.   

C'mon. How much am I supposed to take at once?