Nothing compares to you

 "I want to grow old with you.'

The most profound statement from lips that barely form sentences right now. ❤️ 

I can sleep after hearing them. 

I can go spend whatever few moments I can steal tomorrow to go and keep packing our house.

And I will bring you more deep fried pickles.

Just to keep seeing you smile at me.

One day at a time

 You're doing amazing with your walking. You definitely look better in your comfy clothes instead of a hospital gown.

But it's still so hard to look into your eyes and know how badly you want to say the things in your head.

They will come. 💕

 

Yesterdays update:

It's been a couple days of visits, & he's doing better every day. Raynen & Alee got him coloring books & crayons which he enjoyed, his physio therapy is getting longer & more each day. He is fully up on the walker with a little more speed & balance. The words are coming along too. He will get to move over to inpatient rehab closer to home this week, which could be from 3-6 weeks. 

Christina & Rob have made the decision to move to his parents place, where they will have the trailer or a bedroom with all the accessibility & lots of help & love and people will be able to visit. ❤️ They'll look for a new home when they have a better idea of what will fit them & Rob's needs best, whatever that may be.

Absolutely whatever baby.

How much can change in a week.

 The alarm went off at 7 like just about any other Monday. The dogs were eager to get outside, the cats snuggles signalling their desire for breakfast, and I don't feel like my world has this big empty space.

Today will be another good day. 

We have a new morning view.

July 15, 2021- Day 4

 1:25pm My first visit to you after your escape from the stroke ICU ward. You were taken down for an test around 11:45 and they're about 2 hrs. So I'm checking out your new digs.

Only 4 ppl in here. Instantly smelled like someone is lying in a pile of their own feces. 🤮 I'm trying not to gag.  I'm so glad I have this little bit of acclimation time to your space before you get back. I'm hoping you'll be pleasantly surprised. 

The temperature in here is that in between some level of covers and no covers. I'm never dressed properly.  Your fire rescue hoodie, shorts, a tank top and flip flops. It is pretty warm out.

Your lunch is patiently waiting here for you. Doesn't look too bad actually. Just cooler than when they brought it. 

Tv and wifi is free thanks to covid, so youre on a sports channel. 

The man directly across from you has a lady visitor. Their chatter is all the noise in here.  Much nicer than the other room, but when she goes, or you get back, my voice will carry like hers is now. Hopefully we won't bother anyone else. 

Your nurse today is quite cute, and very sweet..  redhead, Alicia. 

I can't wait to see you❤️

3:47pm 

I.cant.stop.bouncing!!!!! 

I haven't seen you do all things things you've gotten back, I haven't heard a single sound from your lips, and I asked you to show me...

And you blew my MIND. 

The Occupational Therapist said you got up and went to the bathroom without help or telling anyone you needed help. (We are so lucky you managed it on your own!!) So they pushed you a bit..and you pushed harder. You went from walking 6 meters in the morning, to walking all the way down the hall for me. 24 meters.  

I watched your face.  Your determined, block out the world concentration. And you did it. 

When I think about it tears come to my eyes.  I'm so happy for you and what strength you have.

You even tried to talk for me. We talked about finding you a word board and maybe that would help, and you nodded that you'd be willing to try. I asked if the words just swim around in your head ..I pictured like maybe they're floating and you can't pick the next word and then you can't figure out yet how to make it come out of your mouth and you nodded.  I watched your slight frustrated face change and you stare right into my eyes as if to tell me telepathically. I wish you could too baby. But you tried for me, and you have no idea how MUCH that means to me.

And when I had to leave so you could go for another test (and my time was up),  the OT said that visitation will open up to allow 2 of us to come see you in the same day.  This means I can come every day.  And my crazy need to see you won't have to be interrupted because your mom or Raynen need to see you. 

While this was a shitty interruption of life, with all the covid issues - we couldn't be luckier in the timing. ❤️ 

 

The tears fall

 I think I've been avoiding thinking about certain things floating around in my head. 

I've spent the last couple days doing the smart things... Assessing finances, what goes out what was coming in, what will be coming in ... Trying to figure out our housing situation, and making sure that the things I need to do for myself get done..

I sent a text to a girlfriend and the following oozed out of my fingertips ... 

"And seriously.. just looking into his eyes and just wanting him to say "I love you" is stupidly hard to take. And leaving ... 💔"

The visits are too short. But it's not just that. Going in, I can't wait to see him. I know He's not going to say a word, and I ramble on as long as I can so he has something else to think about for a few minutes..and then I run out of corny bad jokes and we just stare into each other's eyes until he pulls me in for a kiss. 

It's not enough. 

No one should ever have to "visit" their spouse. 

I'm not unrealistic. I know damned well I couldn't do all the things for him that they are doing for him there. But I miss him. 

Morning coffee time together, texts while we are at work, hearing his truck pull in, climbing into bed together.. it's missing. 

I need to hear him say those words soon. I don't care what the sound like. 

They're for me. And that's all that matters. 

Life Changes July 11, 2021

 6:57am sitting in the shop with the dogs and Kristin..and it's the first song to play on the radio. 

No 🤬.  This song is trying to tell us something. Thomas Rhett released this so song in 2017. It started coming back on when we got the news they were selling the house.  It's played whenever there was a shift in things around us between the showings, the sale, finding out the new owner bought it as an investment and we could possibly stay, and now the morning after finding my husband on the floor in the middle of a massive stroke. 

We have an amazing group of friends for us baby. They won't let us fall. 

Here's my last update for everyone after seeing him at 9pm.

I'm home. He's doing really good actually. He's responsive now. His right side is still not all working yet. But what they've done has been helping.  He's on hourly check-ins where they ask him questions and test strength and power on both sides. I got kisses and cuddles and hand squeezes.  Visitors are only 1 per day for 1 hr. He's in London university hosp on the 7th floor in Neuro/operations. The stroke unit is full.  His mom will be his visitor tomorrow so she will update after. He is still non- verbal but is trying. Things look good for this soon. We got him there in time for them to do what they need to. 

This morning is the first of many that will be different for a while. But I'm not alone. I'm going to need to get get some space to let the thoughts in my head actually run their course so I can figure out what our next moves will be, but for now, it's taking each new day as they come.  Remembering that it's ok to cry and making sure I do the stuff I need to do for myself. 💕

3:57am

 I wasn't awoken by a nightmare

I didn't have to go to the bathroom .. I did because the dream wasn't terrible and I was clearly awake ... Mom always said, once you're over 30, don't bother passing a bathroom without stopping in. You'll realize too late that mistake...

I truly believed that I'd happily fall back to sleep...

But I didn't...

I lay there trying to do so, only to finally open my eyes and find the clock glaring back at me ... 4:50am. 

Fuck it. Get up. 

Made coffee, got the dogs out, tidied up the kitchen, and went out to the shop for a smoke. 

My mind is reeling with all the possibilities about where we will move next. 

I thought about trying to counter the new owner's proposed rent with what we can actually afford.

I thought about those people that said they only have places available for a short term and what was happening with those places when that term was over..and why I didn't ask when they said so.

I thought about the pending conversation I've booked with a friend today after work, who's parents moved into the smaller home on their property, and if this is going to even possibly be fruitful. 

And my brain was picturing the option of having to live in our trailer for a couple months until we can find anything that fits what we need. 

We can't live in an apartment or attached home...the dogs would get us evicted. 

We don't want to drive an hour to get to work. It's just not feasible for the dogs or our sanity. 

Something is coming, and I hate to be impatient asking for it to come sooner than later. It feels rude.

But this is day 6 of just wanting to cry when someone asks what's going on. 

Tomorrow I'll start packing again. We have plans to go see friends for supper and it's Friday, so the weekend and a couple days off will hopefully help. I booked the day off in hopes that V and I could get out for a round of golf, and even that feels like  wasteful spending. 

6:43am ... Looks like I'll be at work in time for open for a change today. 

Why am I so angry all the time??

This is really a yucky part (for me) about menopause. I've heard of it, and I've been to the doctor to see what can be done about it.  It is frustrating to get up most days and feel good, have a positive outlook at the day ahead...and then ... I hit a wall... The voice in my head snaps at everything someone says or does and I tell have to fight it back from coming out of my mouth. Not always successful with that.

I don't like that person. It feels like she just can't let go and move on. Noooo..she wants to bite people's head off over stupid things.  

She needs to go away.  Soon. 

Time to call the doctor again and figure out what's up. 

time flies when you ... forget stuff.

Hey... are you still out there? Imagine that! 2021 .. man!

So life hasn't really done much outside of this little box. A lot happens inside of it, some outside of it, but really, who wants to go out there? Ok... sometimes is ok. But it's so pretty here. There's lots going on, and the people inside of it are pretty awesome. The BIL is selling the house.. well, it's sold now, so we're looking for a new home again. hey .. we lasted 8 years - to the day. That might be a record for me. The new owner is apparently a farmer who bought it as an investment property (means to rent it out) from a neighboring town and is away this week, but should be getting in touch with us next week to discuss things. I have mentally written all kinds of wish lists about this house and the new landlord and what I could hope for. I have submitted an application to the next available rental home in the village, I've called and spoken with, or given my number to people that MIGHT have a place for rent or know of someone that might. I shall leave no lead uncontacted.

The kid and her partner went to BC for a while. I got a report back last night that the partner started work this morning. Nice. Now her turn (fingers crossed, something for her that she enjoys - and SOON!)

I finally got back to trying to pack things up last night. It went on hold for showings...and now injust jave to get back on it. if i dont pack their stuff, i will be wading through it for yhe rest of the summer. and i want to change up the designation of each of the other two rooms. just wish theyd done this themselves. 🤬

All the things I did the year I turned Fifty

Bought a brand new mattress new car Tattoo Chopped off my hair Grew pot Tried edibles Grew a huge communal garden with chickens Bought a camping trailer

1 yr

So, today kind of sucks, doesn't it? I really don't want to remember that you aren't here.. because, for me, it's like it was 3wks +1 yr ago. You're on my mind, and you're stuck in your thing, I'm stuck in mine. We both strive to find the good in what is, instead of what isn't... This week has been amazingly beautiful. The weather, the timing, people pushing to help our community thing, missing Legion things, the push so hard for Christmas ( which we LOVE!!!!❤️) people coming together to support one another .. that's what it is ... And it's what I need to focus on. Sure, someone tossed in a shit show this week, but we got through it, right? That was yesterday, this is today. And "That" was last year .. that thing .that day..that event .. it's passed, and we need to pull up our big girl panties and get the 🤬 on with it. It's not moving on..it's moving forward; cuz otherwise you're going backwards, or you're standing still, we both know neither of those are good. I miss you like crazy. I wish this year had been spent doing all the plans that keep popping up in my calendar that we are supposed to be doing .. I can't even bring myself to delete them. They just sit there...waiting for us to go do them. Babies are coming, and I know you're so excited...I get the girl giggle dreams the closer we get. I hear you. I do so miss you. And... Thank you for sharing your life, love and world with me. I'm still here if you need me. I hear I'll be here a while, but you already know that too. ❤️

ridiculous.

This is beyond ridiculous.  We are back to public posts about child support. DH's ex-wife I mean.

I will start with the fact that I agree that some money is due in her direction. But I won't agree that she deserves to receive it right now.

Go ahead. Snap at that response.

We moved across the country to be close to them... To be able to provide for their needs directly.  Spend time with them,  and share the financial responsibility. But when money was to tight one week (and nothing was said to her), she pulled our visitation without even thinking twice about it.

So they pissed each other off and haven't said two words to each other in over 8 months.

The kids now go to his mother's on our every other weekend schedule.

I get it.  It's frustrating to keep having to ask for money for things for the kids when the other parent is holding a personal grudge over paying support. I've been there, and I'm currently going backwards to rectify what my child missed out on for support so that she can have something for her post secondary education.  But when the other parent is standing in front of you asking to share custody. .. To be the other parent just as much as you are. To leave work or stay home to be with a sick kid,  pay for school events,  make sure they are dressed respectably...Then how dare you simply tell the world that you just want their money.

Seriously. ..go *$#@ yourself.

It's not about money now. It's about you. And this isn't supposed to be about you. It's them. If the other parent has the desire to have the kids half the time, share the expenses, and be that much of a parent,  then maybe you ought to let go and let them.  If they start whining that they can't afford the time, energy, effort or stop showing up. ..THEN you have something to stand on.

But until you both pull your heads out of your asses and realize that you're both in the wrong right now. ..The kids are continuing to lose out. Huge.

Where does the time go?

Wow... my boss and I were talking about BLOGS... not really personal ones, more on the lines of business blogs... and I thought.. HEY! I have one... so I logged in, found the link and sent it.. and realized .. WOW you haven't been in the loop... here's the quick update.

Nov 2012 DH was in a bad car accident, and didn't work.. and when we figured out that he wasn't going to be able to work his typical jobs for a while..




So.... THIS happened...


And we moved... across the country, to start a new adventure ...

I'll get caught up soon.. PROMISE!

X

The Terrible Two's ... at 13

Ahhh... that oh so wondrous day has finally arrived... the day my 13 yr old daughter says "I Hate You."

So all this time, I really thought we might actually skip this 'stage'... she didn't really go through the terrible two's as I can recall .... I don't totally remember last month, so a guesstimate of 11 yrs ago might not be accurate.. but I'm okay with leaving that as "what I recall".  Side note: Apparently, I wasn't that pleasant during pregnancy either... so when not long after I'd given birth to my daughter I thought it might be a good adventure to apply to be a surrogate .. my ex-husband and our roommate both said it was a BAD idea and to give it up before I tried... so I must bounce back from a lot of bad experiences quickly. :)

Anyway... we're at the terrible teenage girl stage of 13... she got her period earlier this year (Feb 15, 2013), and that definitely has some of the explanation handled... but I can't say that I go more than 1 day without ending up in a yelling match with her.  I'm not sure there's even a single day that doesn't go by that we aren't "at odds" to a point that I have to just walk away.

I truly dislike this part of raising a child.  All you want is for them to be happy go-lucky kids... well adjusted, do what they're told (at least half of the time would be nice).. I wasn't expecting a miracle child - don't get me wrong! I know I wasn't a saint, and I made my own mother's life somewhat difficult (that's probably an understatement), but this is a pretty heavy part of their life to go through, and I don't want to be in it.

I read all these great blogs about "when I stopped yelling at my child"  and "how to talk to your children" .. and really - WTH??? They aren't talking about my child.  They absolutely aren't dealing with THIS child.  So my sympathy for those parents is non-existent.

I am at a complete loss for words as to how to make explaining this even remotely funny either.  Sometimes I  look back at the past hour of my morning and chuckle... but more often I am at the point of tears.  I'm so afraid that this is going to last a long time.  That this isnt 6-8 mos of somewhat-annoying-teenager angst.  The other night I dreamt that it was 4 years of this... day in and day out.  I turned into that mom in that movie... what movie is that again.. the woman was a space cadet.. like totally medicated without a clue of what was going on at all in her house or her life. American Beauty I think...   anyway ... not the way she's controlled by her husband.. just the spaced out ... doesn't know how to communicate with other people in real time.

SOME times I have a great connection with her... we talk about random stuff.. she tells me random stuff.. she isn't afraid to tell me that some boy from school called her really awful names on facebook and let me go talk to the principal... she isn't afraid to ask serious questions about her body and what's going on with it, or tell me about the boy at school she has a crush on...  it's just those other times.. when doing homework, or cleaning her room, or taking any kind of responsibility for herself or her actions or around the house are the absolute last things she is willing to do - no matter how I ask it to be done.

They don't fail kids in Grade 7. I know a kid that failed kindergarden!  But "now a days" they don't fail them.. no matter how badly they're doing.  She's refused to do a LOT of homework this year. And yet - she won't fail. Next year is her first year of "high school"... no middle school.. no Jr. High... elementary to high school.. that's it. Next year, I'll (probably) still be facing the homework issue along with the rebellion - and top it off with more friends, more kids to deal with, and a whole lot more attitude.   yippee.

For now, we'll take this day by day... it's killing dh.. but I think it's all we can do. Try to enjoy the good moments, endure the bad ones... and get through it together.

(* Feel free to comment... share.. empathize.. or go read past blog posts... they aren't all about any one topic either! *)

Life is a Highway....

it is with a sad heart that I tell you that a friend of mine passed away suddenly. But with a .. I can't find the word.... satiated?   happy?  pleased? .... balanced... let's go with that..   with a balanced heart... I say that he was also a client.  With our help.. our guidance.. he had a will, he had investments, he was on track to becoming debt free ... and a lot of his debts were paid off... that he has gone to rest - and that no one is left to carry a large burden of debt, or things to take care of.    He had a will.  Born in 1964 - not a few years older than me - and he had his life and his after life things in order.

Can you say that?

Do You have a Will??

Have you things in place to leave to those you love and care the most about ... in writing .. to proceed you when you are taken to the netherworld?

Forgive me for not being religious, or for taking religious sortings in my text.... its all the same in the end.


isnt it?

Did you remember that important document that will tell the rest of the world that is left behind if you leave before we all expected you to.... exactly what you want us to do with your stuff?... your money?  Your prized possessions?

ok... why not?

Oh yes.. I know... its something you dont want to talk about.. or think about.. or do anything about... because its scary.. its .. not here.. but

BELIEVE you me....

you'll think about those things when that last moment comes....  that's how we're built.

My world will not end without my pre-thinking that "should this day come"....
because ..   I've been there when someone's day came ...

I held her hand.. I told her to let go ... and that it was going to be alright. That we.. left here... would still be ok.

and that everything she wanted ..

would happen.. just as she wanted it to.

Because I do what I do.    This is important to me.   I lived through someone having to let go....  and we made it... we still make it... 13 years later... we still get on.  We heard her words... her wishes.. and we still continue...

I will not pass on.. without my simplest wishes being left behind.

Will you?